Only In My Dreams
by kashudoreineko
Summary: Rating based on later chapters. Each Sohma realizes how he really feels about Honda Tohru.
1. Momiji

Summary: Each Sohma realizes how he really feels about Honda Tohru.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Fruits Basket, nor do I own any of its  
characters, even though I'm borrowing them for a bit. I own the  
thought behind this story, and that's all. So please don't sue me,  
Natsuki Takaya. Just understand that I love your stories so much and  
the wait for them to be translated to English is killing me, so I  
have  
to write and read fanfiction so as I don't go postal.  
  
CHAPTER 1: MOMIJI  
  
"It's just a little bit further!"  
  
Momiji bounded ahead of Tohru, then stopped and skipped back to her.  
  
"Come on. I can't wait for you to see it!" He grabbed her hand and  
pulled her behind him, skipping merrily along the trail.  
  
As they reached the edge of the glade, Honda Tohru saw that the  
clearing actually gave way to a little pool of crystal blue water.  
The edges of the pond were covered in pink and purple flowers  
interspersed with large rocks. As her gaze followed the large rocks  
around the edge of the water, she saw that they led around to a  
mountain, where a small waterfall let into the pool. The falling  
water was almost lyrical in the soft tinkling.  
  
She let out a tiny gasp, then held her breath as she noticed a young  
fawn on the other side, drinking from the pool. Momiji gave her hand  
a short squeeze to let her know that he saw it too, and they both  
waited for the fawn to finish his drink and confidently walk back  
into  
the glade. Then they both let out the breaths they were holding and  
advanced to the water.  
  
"It's so... beautiful!" she whispered, as she sat on a rock that  
overhung the water.  
  
"I knew you would love it," Momiji whispered back.  
  
Tohru reached down to touch the water – so clear that she could see  
straight to the bottom. The water looked to be about 4 feet deep  
under the overhang where they sat. As her fingers touched the water  
she gasped again. "It's so warm."  
  
"That's because there's a hot spring under the rocks. This is very  
special place. A place of balance. The hot springs bubble up under  
the rocks, and the cool water comes off the mountain in the  
waterfall.  
Bathing in this pool is supposed to bring great peace. I come here  
sometimes to meditate – when I need to get away from everything – so  
I  
just knew you'd love it."  
  
"Oh, Momiji. I can't think of a nicer gift than sharing this place  
with me. I know Mom would have loved to see this place. But maybe  
she can look down on us and share the beauty with us."  
  
Momiji reached over and squeezed Tohru's shoulder. Then, like the  
quicksilver rabbit that he was, he jumped up and, running toward the  
waterfall, said, "Come on over here! You can walk behind the  
waterfall!"  
  
Tohru followed behind as Momiji practically danced the entire way  
there, bending to sniff a flower here or gaze into the water there.  
At the edge of the cliff, there was a little pathway that led into a  
small cave. Momiji glanced back at Tohru and said, "Come on in to my  
Fortress of Solitude!"  
  
Momiji stopped and picked one wild flower and continued into the  
cave.  
As they walked carefully behind the waterfall, the sun shone through  
the water, giving the cave an ethereal glow. A well-lit natural  
cathedral.  
  
"It – it's like... it's like nothing I've ever seen!"  
  
"Yup! I like to think of it as my own private monastery. I come here  
when I want to think. When I want to pray. This cave has natural  
healing powers, so it should heal all hurts right? ...Just not the  
curse."  
  
Momiji walked over to a natural shelf on the east wall of the cave.  
On the shelf were hundreds of beautifully dried blooms. More dried  
flowers had been woven into garlands that decorated the cave wall  
above the shelf. The wild blossom was placed on the shelf as he sat  
down in front of it.  
  
"I've never shown this to anyone before. Only you."  
  
He looked up at her with a sad little smile. Then jumped up and said,  
"Let's go swimming!"  
  
"But I didn't bring a suit."  
  
"We can go in our underwear. No one will know. Then when we're done,  
there's a rock shelf and we can lie in the sun until we're dry."  
  
"Well, I don't know..."  
  
"Oh, please, please, PLEEEAAASE!"  
  
"Well, um, I- I guess it should be allr-"  
  
"YAY!" He jumped up and down and before Tohru could blink, he was  
already in his skivvies. Then he ran toward the waterfall and jumped  
through it yelling "Follow MEeeeeeeeeee!"  
  
Tohru looked over, and by the shelf, Momiji had left his clothes in a  
pile. She picked them up and folded them into a neat stack. Then,  
blushing, undressed down to a T-shirt bra and cotton briefs. (AN:  
nothing see-through, just cute and functional.) And before she could  
change her mind, she ran at the wall of water and jumped through,  
holding her nose closed with one hand and flailing the other arm  
wildly.  
  
SPLOOSH. She hit the water and went down, down, down. She opened her  
eyes, and could see just a little bit of sun. She began kicking her  
legs to bring her up and up. As she reached the top, she burst out of  
the water with a wild spray. Once she got the water out of her  
eyes, she scanned the pool for Momiji. He splashed up beside her.  
"Isn't this fun? And so relaxing. Ooh! I know! Try floating on  
your back!"  
  
"Um. Okay."  
  
As soon as she was on her back, Momiji floated up beside her and  
Glomped on to her.  
  
POOF!  
  
"Oh!" Tohru sprang up and lifted the little bunny out of the water.  
  
"No, no," Momiji said, "don't worry! Just keep floating on your back,  
and you can be my raft. Won't that be fun?"  
  
Not wanting to argue – that would be rude – Tohru lay back to float,  
resting Momiji on her belly. Momiji leaned over her side and used his  
giant ears as paddles, rowing them toward the falls. As they got  
closer to the falls, Tohru gasped.  
  
"Yeah! You can feel the warm water coming up and the cool water of  
the falls. Feels neat, doesn't it? This is supposed to be the point  
of balance.  
  
"Oh! I know. Let's go lie out on the rock to dry!" He jumped off  
Tohru's belly and swam to the middle of the pool where his underwear  
were floating, put one paw through them to hold onto them, and swam  
to  
the west side of the pool where there was a clear landing. Tohru  
followed him.  
  
He ran up a path going up a side of the cliff where there was a shelf  
ledge that caught the afternoon sun. Both of them laid down and  
basked in the rays – the heat making them feel warm and lazy. Tohru's  
honey hair spread out so it would dry quickly. Momiji cuddled up to  
Tohru, so that he wouldn't transform back right away.  
  
"Thank you, Momiji YAWN for showing me your... special... place." And  
she was asleep.  
  
Momiji returned the yawn and mumbled, "I always... wanted... to spend a  
day with you like this..."  
He snuggled closer and looked up at her, "I love you so much..." - and  
the sun shone off her short gold hair as her blue eyes smiled kindly  
at him – "Mutti."  
  
Momiji sat bolt upright in his bed.  
"That was a dream right? Right?  
  
"Okay. It had to be a dream. I don't know any place with a lake like  
that."  
  
Then his bunny nose started twitching. Was that apfel-pancakes he was  
smelling?  
  
A knock on his door made him jump. "Come in."  
  
"Happy Birthday, Momiji!" Tohru came in with a tray bearing a German  
apple pancake that was bigger than his head.  
  
"Did Ha'ri tell you that this is my FAVORITE breakfast?" He was  
bouncing up and down in his bed.  
  
"No. I'm so happy! I just looked up some German dishes, and I  
thought – well, you're an usagi, and rabbits do like apples, and it's  
sweet, just like you!" She poked him playfully in the nose. "And  
after all, this is one of the 18 most important days in the year.  
It's the day you were born! And I'm so happy that you were so that I  
could meet you!"  
  
Momiji looked sad for just a second, then smiled up at her with a  
tear  
in his eye. "Thank you, Tohru." He hugged her, and neither one of  
them cared when he transformed – although he would have to wait til  
he  
changed back to eat his breakfast.  
  
Momiji thought: Well. This is the best birthday I've ever had. And  
Mutti, maybe someday, maybe someday you'll remember me and love me,  
too.'


	2. Shigure

Summary: Each Sohma realizes how he really feels about Honda Tohru.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Fruits Basket, nor do I own any of its  
characters, even though I'm borrowing them for a bit. I own the  
thought behind this story, and that's all. So please don't sue me,  
Natsuki Takaya. Just understand that I love your stories so much and  
the wait for them to be translated to English is killing me, so I  
have to write and read fanfiction so as I don't go postal.  
  
CHAPTER 3: Shigure

"Ah, the heavenly aroma of my little flower cooking my dinner! And what is the light of our lives preparing for we three undeserving bachelor's repast?" 

"Oh! Shigure-san! Well, it will only be the two of us for dinner tonight, I'm afraid. Yuki had a student council meeting that will run all night – they're ordering dinner there. And Kyou's spending the night at his Shishou's dojo. So, I hope you don't mind – I only made some chicken teriyaki, some steamed vegetables, and some riceballs. I know it's not mu-"

"Toh-ru-chan!" Shigure interrupted Tohru's frantic explanations before she worked herself into a full-out tizzy, playfully poking her nose on each syllable. "It looks wonderful and all your food is always so delicious – much better than my previous diet of alternating charcoal with carryout. Anyway, you know anything that is made from your loving hands is bound to be more than this sad and lonely old dog deserves." He struck a melodramatic pose with the back of his hand to his forehead and the other pushing away from him – very Sarah Bernhardt.

"Oh, but that's not true!" A blush had started in her cheeks when he touched her nose and was working it's way down her neckline as he extended the compliment. "Shigure-san works so hard all the time, and has so kindly let me into his home. It wouldn't be right if I didn't serve him proper food." She looked at the meal that she was just in the process of placing onto the serving dishes when he walked in. "You deserve more than I could ever give you." Her eyes went to the ground as she mumbled, "Much more."

He cocked his head wondering what she could possibly mean. Then remembered that she probably didn't know he heard her last statement. "Well, it looks like dinner is almost done!" he changed the subject. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Thank you for asking, if you wouldn't mind bringing the tea, I think I can handle everything else."

"Right-o!" He turned around and put the pot of tea that she'd already prepared on a serving tray and found two matching cups while she carried the platters of food to the dining table. When he got there, he noticed that his place setting and Tohru's were closer together than usual.

Tohru noticed him hesitating. "I-uh- I thought that it would seem less lonely if we didn't have so much space between us. You know, with it being just us and all. And this way, I can serve you your dinner more properly..." She swallowed hard and put on her determined face. "Please. Sit. Allow me to serve you."

He sat. No comments. This was just not normal.

She knelt next to him and began to load up his plate with various foods. As she bent over to scoop up some food for him, her dress rode up a bit in the back, and he could see creamy thighs. Then, she twisted to put the food on his plate, and he could see down her top to the soft curves, supported by white lace.

'Oh, Kami. You delight in torturing me, don't You?' he thought as he closed his eyes and tilted his head up and away from the sight in front of him. 'She doesn't realize it's just us. She doesn't realize what I can see. NO! Don't think about that! Remember, she's young. She trusts you... And she's so easily swayed, I could talk her into – NO, NO, NO! Yuki and Kyou will be here tomorrow. They need her. They NEED her! We ALL need her. Calm down.'

"Shigure-san?" He opened his eyes and saw her looking at him – her eyes wide with concern. "Is it... not – okay?" She sat back on her heels and looked up at him. Her eyes. They were so big. So deep, yet so innocent. And her lips were starting to quiver.

"No, my lovely wife. It's not okay. It's perfection!" He joked and sighed in relief as she did. But again raised his eyebrows as in the next second she looked down with a small smile and blushed. This was not the normal blush. He'd seen her blush about ten thousand times in the time since she first admired his little zodiac-painted stones. And the smile on her face lit her up like a supernova.

"I'm... so glad," she said very quietly, and began to pour him some tea. Then she sat back and quietly began to eat.

'This is just odd. She's not acting normal.' He was trying to eat normally, but this was not the normal silence of dinner. 'What is going on? Normally at dinner, Yuki acts polite, Kyo gets angry because he feels inferior and says something he doesn't mean, Yuki calls him on it, Kyo gets angry and invites him to a fight, Tohru gets upset and asks them not to fight, and then we all eat in silence – AH! That must be it! It's just we haven't got Kyo and Yuki's fighting to start us off. That must be why it feels so odd.

"Well, my most magnificent flower, how lovely it is to share a meal in such a quiet and peaceful environment – with no fighting threatening to ruin the delicate flavors that you have so gracefully prepared. We really must send the boys out more often, so that we can enjoy more meals together alone."

Tohru looked up at him surprised. Then smiled shyly, lowered her head and, looking coyly up at him through her bangs said very softly, "I'd like that. Shigure-san." And then she blushed again and quickly turned back to her plate, eating as though embarrassed she'd said anything.

'Ok. So it's not the boys.' He noticed that she now seemed about 4 inches closer to him than she was when they first sat down. 'Could it be she... No. I'm way too old for her. And she barely even knows me – really. And if she did... I know she's loving and forgiving and all, but even she must have her limits.'

He looked at her again, but out of the corner of his eye. He didn't want her to catch him staring.

'She's not a beauty queen. No. There are many women more gifted with looks. But – she just outshines them. She is indeed perfection. And I – I just want to use her. Even if she DID feel something for me, it would be misguided at best. Much like Akito, I don't deserve anyone like her in my life.' He was careful not to let his face show what he was feeling, but he was starting to feel a little nauseous. 'But if I don't follow through with it, no one will ever be free. I AM doing it for them, right? Right. Right! Of course I am. And that's selfless, right? So it's not really that I don't deserve her. It's just that I can't have her, or else the curse will never be broken. Yeah. That's right.'

The food started to lose its taste in his mouth.

"Well, my most adored one, you've outdone yourself as usual!" he crowed, patting his stomach. "I couldn't eat another bite!"

Tohru looked at his plate. He must have had only 10 or so small bites before saying that. 'Did I cook it wrong? Or maybe he didn't want teriyaki for dinner? How could I be so thoughtless in not asking what he wanted to eat before cooking? But he never usually minds and is always so happy to eat whatever I put before him. Or maybe it's just because it's only the two of us. Maybe he really doesn't want to be alone with me?'

"Thank you for the compliment, Shigure-san," she said out loud, while looking at the floor and concentrating on not crying over her obvious failure.

'Oh, no. She's upset. Well, I didn't eat as much as I normally do. Think, think. Oh. I know:'

"I had such a large lunch today, I guess I was still a little full already. But I'm willing to bet," he sing-songed, "that I'll want a snack later on, since I didn't eat so much with you." He reached out and ran a finger along her cheek. "Would my darling wife mind setting aside a plate for me for later?"

She looked up at him, and when he touched her cheek, she not only blushed, but a visible shiver took hold. Gazing into his eyes, she didn't speak, only nodded her head yes.

'Kami! Her eyes are so deep. Trusting.' He continued to stare into them. 'I was wrong. She is the most beautif-' He jumped back from her.

"Um. Okay. Thank you. I'm going into my study now. Write! That's what I do. Write, write, write. Stories. You know. Must work. Um. Okay. Bye."

'Oh, yeah, Shigure! That was SMOOTH! And what was that? What the hell is happening to me? I can NOT entertain thoughts like this. I've got to stay out of this. It's only through her that the curse can be broken. I KNOW this. Okay. Work. Like I just said. Let's go write out some of this frustration.'

He closed the door to his study and sat down at his computer. And stared at the blank screen. Then he stared some more. He forced himself to type.

_So beautiful. So perfect. So pure. And I, I would not ruin her. Not just for the likes of me. She must be kept pure. She is a sacrifice. But not really a sacrifice, more like a savior. She is the lamb without blemish that will sacrifice herself so that we may have life. She will give herself up, and by her gift, the cursed and doomed shall be saved. We do not deserve her. We never have and never shall. But she loves us. Kami, she loves us. And through her love, she shall be the key that sets us free... _

'This is ridiculous. I'm not even writing anything!'

He laid his head down on the desk, closed his eyes and focused on his breathing.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Shigure-san."

He felt her stroking his hair, out of his face.

"Shigure-san."

He turned his head and looked at her, crouching next to him, concern on her face. He noticed that the lights were out and it was now night. The only light in the room came from the computer monitor. But when he looked at her, dressed in a beautiful flowing white full-length cotton nightgown, it seemed more like it was she glowing than the monitor. 'The monitor! What I wrote!' His eyes widened for a second, but he tried to cover it: "You are looking positively radiant, my lovely new bride. Have you come to finally claim me as your husband?" His hand reached out to the monitor and turned it off, removing the light from the room. Except, the light didn't vanish. She really was glowing.

"Shigure-san. Who is she that will set you free?"

'Crap.'

She stood up, stepped closer to him, and placed her hands on his shoulders.

"What do you mean, Tohru-kun?"

"When I couldn't wake you to bring you your snack," she pointed to a little tray of food she'd brought for him, "I turned out the lights so you could nap better. I thought you'd nap better in your bed, but I thought if I woke you that maybe you wouldn't be able to fall back asleep, because I know that sometimes you don't sleep so well, so I thought I'd just turn out the lights, but then your monitor was on and it seemed pretty bright, so I came over to turn it off, but I noticed what you'd written, and... It felt important and like I should already know. Like I'd forgotten, but that I knew. It felt cold and hard, but bright, too. And I started moving the hair out of your face, and then you woke up."

He looked up into her eyes and got caught. She really was glowing. Or maybe it was the moon shining in through the window. Or maybe it really was her.

Their eyes linked, and he heard her, but knew she wasn't talking.

_Shigure-san. I have felt you needing me.  
_"Shigure-san. Um. Why do you... Why do you call me your wife?" She blushed furiously, and he could feel her forcing herself not to look away.

_To remind myself that I'll never have someone to love me.  
_"I just like to tease the boys. I know how much it upsets them."

_Why won't you speak the truth to me?  
_"But... but they're not even here tonight."  
_And tonight you could... You could..._

_I couldn't. Oh beautiful Tohru. Do you mean to tempt me?  
_"Well." He tore his eyes away from hers. "Habit, I guess?" Even to him, it sounded false.  
_Do you want me to...?_

_What is it, that you truly want? I would... I would give it to you.  
_"Oh. I'm sorry. I guess I shouldn't have asked. I brought you... a snack?"  
_I would give you all what you really want._

_And that's it. That's why you can't give me what I want. For all the novels that I write... _  
"Thank you, Tohru-chan. I truly am blessed to have such a lovely, thoughtful wife."  
_what I really want is someone to love me and only me. To know me deeply and truly, and yet still truly love me. And that won't happen until the curse is broken._

_I want that, too.  
_"Was that habit, too?"  
_I will do whatever it takes to break the curse to free all of you that I love.._

_Oh, Tohru. We do love you. But I am the only one who knows what will be required of you. And I'm the only one ruthless enough to use you like that. For that, I don't deserve love.  
_"Maybe."

_But I'm asking you to take me. Do you... not find me attractive?  
_"Shigure-san?"

_God, you're beautiful. But you have to be pure to break the curse, and I would make you dirty if I took you. It might be a blessing to you though. But I'm too selfish. I won't.  
_"Yes?" He looked into her eyes again and felt himself falling.

_You truly want to save them all. And me, too. But it's not like there's no hope. You CAN love. You will be loved..  
_"Is - Is it hot in here?"

_I can't have you. I don't deserve you. You're. The key.  
_"Um."

_Shigure. Tthis is just a dream. You can't really hear what I'm thinking. It's just a dream. Please. Let me love you.  
_"I. Um... It seems hot. In here." She swallowed hard, and he noticed that she was wearing an Ayame-created maids uniform.

_It IS a dream!  
_"It's just me." And he leaned forward and kissed her. She spread her arms and embraced him, kissing him fully. She straddled him and sat on his lap. The depth and fire of their kiss surprised even him. He broke it only to gasp for air, but when he tried to open his eyes, all he saw was darkness.

He clearly heard Tohru's voice in his head, but she sounded all grown up – a grown woman, not a young girl:

_Inu-chan. I do love you._

He felt Tohru's hand stroke his face.

_There is no reason for you to worry for me. The sacrifice will be willingly made. So that you can truly see. So you can truly see that I have always known that you love me too. It will end the pain. And you will be able to love again. You will truly live. My beloved. Husband. Brother. Child. Friend._

_You love me, so greatly that you hurt yourself and deny yourself love. See the love in front of you, and know that I love you too. I am not the only key. Each of you and your love for me. They are just as important. _

_Don't make my sacrifice be worthless. Love._

The darkness receded, and in the dusk of the night, he saw Mii-chan on his lap, her face flushed with desire, yet a sad look in her eyes. He jerked back from her.

"Shigure, please don't stop. I love you. I know you don't love me. You don't have to love me, but please don't tease me tonight. Just... Just please."

She looked up at him pleadingly, want, pain, and a touch of self-deprecation warring on her face. 'I put that look on her face. Oh, Mii. Please don't look like that. Don't you know that I keep you at a distance for a reason?'

_Don't make my sacrifice be worthless. Love._

"Mii." He tried to make that one name convey everything he felt. And he crushed her to him, kissing her furiously.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, when he didn't transform, a part of him realized he was dreaming. But for now, he'd just take it.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

He awoke to a knock at the door.

"Shigure-san? Dinner is ready. It will only be the two of us tonight, I'm afraid. Yuki had a student council meeting that will run all night – they're ordering dinner there. And Kyou's spending the night at his Shishou's dojo. So, I hope you don't mind – I only made some chicken teriyaki, some steamed vegetables, and some riceballs. I know it's not mu-"

"Toh-ru-chan!" Shigure interrupted Tohru's frantic explanations before she worked herself into a full-out tizzy, playfully poking her nose on each syllable. "It smells wonderful and all your food is always so delicious – much better than my previous diet of alternating charcoal with carryout."

"Thank you, Shigure."

They sat down to a delicious, and completely normal meal.

Once they were done and Tohru was cleaning up the dishes she stopped and said, "Oh! I almost forgot. Mii-chan called, and said that I should tell you that she's coming by at 10 to pick up your manuscript, so that when she shows up at 9 you'll still be here. Oh. But I probably was only supposed to tell you the first part." She knocked herself on the head.

"Mii. Tohru. Um. Can you not tell Mii that you told me the second part? And when she gets here, can you just tell her I'm in my study and that if she sneaks in, she can probably grab me before I can get away?"

The key to their future looked at him with a confused expression.

"Um. And then." He actually blushed. "Would you mind if I called Momiji so that the two of you could maybe... go for a walk for a little while? I. Uh. Wanted to talk to Mii-chan for – a bit."

She looked at him with a shocked expression, which grew into the biggest smile. She nodded furiously.

"Please don't tell the boys."

"You can count on me!"

"I know. You always show me that. We don't deserve to have you in our family. You make our curse a blessing, nee-chan," and kissed her on the forehead.

He was off to start a life.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Please remember a few things when reviewing:

1) This is part of a series where they all are dreaming about Tohru, and in so doing, find out something about themselves.

2) This is a DREAM sequence. I don't know about y'all, but when I dream, things that would seem choppy or not make sense do not seem out of the ordinary at all.

3) I'm new at this and tender, so please be kind. If you're really kind, I'll direct you to a site where I'm considering posting the alternate to this story - the way it really wanted to be written. It wanted so badly to be a one-off NC-17 Gureru.

THANKS AGAIN!

KdN


	3. Hiro

Summary: Each Sohma realizes how he really feels about Honda Tohru.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Fruits Basket, nor do I own any of its  
characters, even though I'm borrowing them for a bit. I own the  
thought behind this story, and that's all. So please don't sue me,  
Natsuki Takaya. Just understand that I love your stories so much and  
the wait for them to be translated to English is killing me, so I have  
to write and read fanfiction so as I don't go postal.  
  
CHAPTER 3: HIRO

"Hiro." That's all she said before she walked away.

She looked at me like she was disappointed. And sad. I can't stand it when she looks at me that way.

I want to be the one – the one to make her smile. I want her to be proud of me – to be proud to stand by my side. But there's no way she could ever feel that way about me. I'm just not good enough. I'm smarter than anyone I know, but somehow I can never be smart enough to make myself better.

I sit and stare out the window until it's time to go to bed. I don't even bother when my mother calls me for dinner. I'm just not hungry. My mom at least knows better than to try to argue with me about it. If I don't want to do something, she just leaves me alone.

Why can't I be better?

xxxxxxxxxx with that thought, he falls asleep xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Do you want to see who you really are?"

I hear the voice, and I recognize it. But I look around and all I see is darkness.

"Where am I?" I answer quite sharply.

"No. That will never do. You really do need to answer my question first. That's only polite," she responds. It sounds like she's laughing at me.

"What, you think just because you asked me a question I have to answer it?" I start with my usual tirade of questions. She's so dumb, I can just make her stand on her ear with one or two questions, and the next thing you know she'll apologize to me like the dumb girl she is and tell me whatever I want to know. "I don't owe you anything. Do you think the whole world revolves around you? What makes you so special-"

"HIRO!"

I can't believe she actually yelled at me.

"I _said_ that that will never do." She actually sounds strict. Now I really don't understand where I am. "The question to be answered is: do you want to see who you really are? Well. Do you?"

Okay. She's officially freaking me out. "I don't understand the question."

"It's not difficult." She sounds like she's smiling again. "Do you want to see who you really are?"

"You mean – like see the spirit of the goat in me? Or see whether I'm the goat or the goat is separate from me?"

"Oh, Hiro." She lets out a little laugh. "You DO tend to make things more complicated than they need to be, don't you?" She sighs. "You always are telling Kisa how simple I am, so take the question as a simple one, please. Do you want to see who YOU really are? Do you want to know yourself? To know who you REALLY are?"

I don't say anything. How do I answer that? Do I really want to know? Do I really want to see all my faults. I already know what they are. And besides, other people have faults, too. Wait a second. How could this dumb chick show me who I really am, anyway?

"I can show you because I am who I am. But you have to answer the question 'Yes' or 'No' for yourself. You have to choose. You claim to be wise, but the basis of wisdom is to first 'Know thyself.' So you get to choose how wise you want to be. And, of course, if you really do want to be better like you think you do, the only way to know how to do that is to truly know your own shortcomings so you can overcome them." She sounds like she's enjoying putting me on the spot.

"So do you want to see who you really are, or not?"

"Y- y-....yes." I stammer. Do I really want to know this?

I feel arms come around me from behind, as she moves to hug me. Her breath whispers in my ear, "I thought you might."

I'm expecting to transform into that stupid baby sheep form. I hate that we're cursed. Not because I mind that other people can't hug me. The only one I really want to hug is Kisa anyway. But it bothers her so much. And her mom is so weird with her. I know she'd be so much happier if she was normal. And I don't like people thinking of me as a stupid baby sheep.

But the poof never happens. Her arms go around me and hold me tight. I can't turn to see her, but I can feel her breath in my ear when she talks. What is it that she has in mind here?

The black darkness that was surrounding me fades into a shadowy light. I can feel her arms around me, still. But when I look down, I don't see anything.

"You've been wondering, and now you'll see," she says from I don't know where.

I look up and I see me, kneeling in front of Akito.

"_Hiro. How unusual for you to request a visit with me. What brings you here?"_

"_Thank you for allowing me to visit. I just thought you should know... um... I really like Kisa a whole lot."_

"Why are you showing me this? We already know what happens here. I should have never told him. I just made things worse for her-"

"Do you think that would have been better?" she asks, and I see my mouth moving, but the sound is all weird.

"_Tol elohw a Asik ekil yllaer... mm..."_

Everything seems frozen and then I hear myself say, _"um... I'm really glad you've allowed me to study at my school, and I wanted to know if you think I should plan to become an architect?"_

"What?! I never said that."

"Just watch. Sheesh. You're so impatient."

I look and I see that I'm actually looking at my knees and blushing like mad. Even I can tell that's not what I really wanted to say – but maybe that's because it's me and I know me better, because Akito seems to buy it. I mean, I have been thinking that might be a cool career, but why the heck would I ask Akito about it?

"_An architect. Well, Hiro, you do have the intelligence for it. I am pleased that you've come to me for advice. I will consider this, and I will let you know my decision. You may leave me now."_

I see myself walk out of the room. It's really weird. I don't walk after me to follow, but what I see follows – like I'm floating behind this alternate me. I pass Kisa in the hallway. She smiles at me and says hello, but this me is so embarrassed that I didn't follow through on my plan that I just grunt a quick hi and pass her by without even looking her in the eye.

I understand how this me would feel. I didn't even have enough courage to do what I came there to do. How can I possibly expect to be worthy of her?

I float behind myself and time sort of speeds up. The next thing I know, I'm kneeling in front of Akito again.

"_I've given your request a great deal of consideration. I believe it would benefit the family greatly to have someone of your intelligence as an architect. Therefore, I have arranged for you to be transferred to a private, all-boys school where you will be among other gifted children and you can focus on honing your intelligence more efficiently. _

"_I am glad you came to me, Hiro. I wish the others would be more forthcoming as you've been. I will miss seeing you, but you will be flown back in for the Year's banquet each year, and I will greatly look forward to seeing how far you've advanced then."_

"_Um. Akito-san. I'm afraid I don't understand what you mean by 'flown back'."_

"_Ah, yes. Perhaps I neglected to mention that this school is in London. Your parents will, of course go with you to London. I am quite certain you will enjoy this new chance to grow. Well. You will have a lot of packing to do, so you may leave me now."_

I watch, dumbfounded, as this other me, also dumbfounded stands up and walks out of Akito's rooms. He's too much in shock to do anything. Again he passes Kisa in a hallway. She smiles at him and says shyly, _"Hello, Hiro,"_ with such an adorable smile on her face that my heart gets warm from it. But this other me. He looks up at her startled and says, _"I gotta go."_ And then he runs away from her.

I follow and he sits, staring out this same window that I was staring out before she came and asked me if I wanted to see who I really am. I still don't know what that means by the way. And now, I'm going to be moving away from her. Man, this is even worse than not telling him. Well maybe not. Because Kisa got hurt when I told him. Why couldn't I have told him and he could have just taken it out on me instead of her?

"Oh. Do you think that would have been better?"

"_Og attog I." "Orih olleh." "Won em eveal uoy os, od ot gnikcap fo tol a evah lliw uoy. Llew. Worg ot ecnahc wen siht yojne lliw uoy niatrec etiuq ma I. Nodnol ot uoy htiw og esruoc fo, lliw stnerap rouy. Nodnol ni si loohcs siht that noitnem ot detcelgen I spahrep. Sey, ha." "'Kcab nwolf' yb name uoy tahw dnatsrednu t'nod I diarfa M'i. Nas-otika. Mu." ... "tcetihcra na emoceb ot nalp dluohs I kniht uoy fi wonk ot detnaw I dna, loohcs ym ta yduts o tem dewolla ev'uoy dalg yllaer M'i... Mu... wonk dluohs uoy thguoht tsuj I. Tisiv o tem gniwolla rof uoy knaht." "Ereh uoy sgnirb tahw. Em htiw tisiv a tseuqer ot uoy rof lausunu who. Orih."_

Okay. That hurt my head. But now I see myself kneeling in front of Akito again.

"_Hiro. How unusual for you to request a visit with me. What brings you here?"_

"_Thank you for allowing me to visit. I just thought you should know... um... I really like Kisa a whole lot."_

"_I see." _I see Akito look down at the table, between where his hands are pressed against it. Uh-oh. _"And WHAT did you expect me to DO? Give you a BLESSING?!"_ He's ranting now, and pounding the table so hard, I hear it start to crack.

"_You're not a man. You're not even a boy, you're just a worthless sheep!"_ The table breaks from his pounding. He picks up a fragment and starts to beat this other me with it.

"_Do you really think that a sheep and a tiger belong together?" _

WHAP!

"_You're FOOD!"_

BAM!

"_A SACRIFICE!" _

WHALLOP!

"_...Yes. Yes! A sacrifice" _He's stopped hitting me, but now he's walking toward his closet, obviously in thought.

"_Why should it be me? It should be the lamb. A LAMB IS A BETTER SACRIFICE!" _

He comes back with a dagger.

I'm so shocked, I don't even realize that she's holding me tighter. I feel her tears on my shoulder as she says, "It's okay. You're okay." Why is she so upset? I'm okay. Of course I'm okay.

I really don't feel anything as I watch Akito take the dagger in one hand, pull my head back by the hair and slit my throat. It's like I'm encased in cotton. His eyes glint madly. He laughs and I hear him repeat, _"A sacrifice. Made out of love. Shall set us free!"_ He keeps saying it as I watch my body fall to the ground in the middle of that red pool. My eyes are still open.

Hatori comes in and drops his bag in shock. He pushes Akito back and off of me. I notice Shigure has come into the room as well and picked up the dagger so that Akito no longer has a weapon. Shigure actually looks sad. I've never seen that before. Hatori is trying to save me. It's almost absurd. It's like he's trying to make my head reattach itself by force of will. Even I know it's too late.

She's holding me very tightly, and stroking my hair.

The world goes dim for a second and then we're in the main hall. I can see my casket at the front of the room. I hear the relatives murmuring. They always did love gossip. But I'm surprised by some of it. Akito's been sedated. Hatori and Shigure are claiming that he's no longer capable of rational thought. Hatori is keeping him well-drugged and I hear someone state that he's now, ironically being kept in the same room that he used to hold Yuki prisoner in.

Well. If it will save Kisa from ever hurting again, I don't mind dying so much. I just wish I could be with her. Maybe she'll let me watch over her. That'd be good.

Then, Kisa walks in the room. And up to the casket. There is no emotion on her face at all. She looks... gray. She looks into the casket. But she doesn't shed a tear at all. Doesn't she care at all about me?

Just before she walks away, she drops a single white rose onto my chest, and whispers, _"Soon."_

She walks out of the hall, without looking back.

I hear one of the old ladies saying, _"Well that's just cold. He died because of her you know."_

"_Yes. I heard that boy slit his own throat when Akito told him that he was not to see her anymore. Poor Akito. He had no idea the little lamb would take it that far."_

"_It just sent the poor master over the edge. Made him crazy."_

You've got to be kidding me! Not only do they think that I killed myself, they're SORRY for AKITO?! Oh, my god. Kisa!

I run out the way Kisa left. What could she be thinking? She's always kept herself bottled up. And she looked so... dead earlier.

I catch up with her, but She whispers, "She won't hear you, Hiro. I'm sorry."

"What do you mean you're sorry? Kisa! Kisa! You have to hear me! It's not your fault. None of this is your fault! Kisa! You've got to listen to me!"

She walks into her room and sits at her desk. She pulls out the stationery that I'd given her for her last birthday. I reach out and try to touch her. I scream her name over and over.

She writes. "_Hiro. I loved you, too. I know he killed you. Grandpa Shigure saw how upset I was when they told me you were gone. I'd heard that you'd killed yourself, and I was so mad at you, so he told me the truth. He said it's always better to know the truth about those you truly love. _

"_I wish you'd told me that you loved me, instead of him. I wish he'd attacked me instead of you. I know I'm the reason you're gone. I miss you so much, and it's all my fault."_

"Kisa, don't you think that! Don't you know I'd die 1000 times to keep you safe? I'll never leave you. KISA!"

"_So now. Maybe we can be together and we won't have to worry about Akito or anyone else."_

"Oh, god, Kisa. No." I feel all the blood run out of me. "No, no, no."

I try so hard to knock the knife out of her hands. I try, but my hands pass right through it, because I'm not really there.

I watch her walk to her bed, lie down on it. I watch her take the knife and slice each forearm.

"_I was right. This doesn't hurt at all. I'll be with you soon, my hero."_

"No, no. no, no, no." I stare as the life drains out of her, and I fall to my knees. But my vision has become blurry. Like I'm looking through a smeary window. And then the world turns black again.

"God. Oh, God. This isn't right. It didn't happen this way. It didn't, right?" I'm yelling now at that stupid girl.

"No, Hiro. It didn't happen this way. But do you see now that it wouldn't have been better if 'he'd' attacked you? Not telling how you felt was worse. Having Akito attack you was worse."

"She IS okay, right?"

"She's just fine. She's as she was when she left you alone this afternoon. Before you skipped dinner and went to bed. She's safe at home, asleep. Now do you understand?"

"Thank God! But you. Dumb girl. How is this showing me "who I really am?" What are you showing me this for anyway?"

"Oh, Hiro. You still don't understand? I thought I was supposed to be the slow one here." I can hear the laughter in her voice, even though she still sounds sad, and she still has her arms around me. Hugging me.

"Let's try this, then," she whispers in my ear.

The world lightens and we're in Shigure's house. There's a girl in her early teens with blond hair and beautiful eyes sitting on the couch. She's so beautiful. She looks like –

"Kisa!"

"Yes. In about 6 years."

A teenage boy with sandy brown hair walks in to the living room and says, _"Scoot over, willya? Why ya always gotta take up the whole couch? Sheesh!"_

He blushes, as he sits very close to her, and looks away.

"_I'm sorry, Hiro,"_ she says and scoots away from him, looking sad. I look at myself and think, what an idiot! I know I don't want her to move away from me. I just didn't want her to think that I was sitting close to her because I wanted to. In case she didn't want me to.

The front door comes open, and Tohru comes in, saying, _"I'm home from work!"_

"_Sissy!"_ Kisa bounds up and runs to help Tohru, who has several bags from the market. If we're six years older, that would make that Tohru chick 22, right? Man. She looks great. It's like she seems more put together. Like she feels more sure of herself. Of course, she doesn't look as good as Kisa, but let's face it. Kisa is the most beautiful girl in the entire world. And if a few years help that idiot to look this good, in six more years, Kisa is going to be... I don't even think I can think about that right now.

I hear Her chuckle in my ear.

"Shut up." I mutter.

"_It's about time you got back. What did you do? Crawl all the way home? And you call yourself an adult. Leaving two teenage kids unsupervised in a home, where they could do anything they wanted? We could've..."_ I saw myself start to blush and then cover it up by acting more angry. _"And what were we supposed to think had happened to you? Not that I'd care, but Kisa could've been worried. Do you ever think? I thought grown-ups were supposed to know about things like this."_

"_I'm sorry. I'm only a little late. I wanted to bring home some fresh fish for dinner."_

"_You still could have called. Sheesh."_

"_Hiro. Be nice. Sissy's letting us live with her here so we can be closer to school. She didn't have to do that. I mean, most newlyweds wouldn't want two teenage kids living in their house, but she talked her husband into letting us stay here so that we could have some freedom from the main house, too."_

"_Yeah, right. Whatever. I'm going upstairs. You can hang out with this dumb chick all you want, but I'm not going to."_

I watch this older me stomp up the stairs looking like a sulky kid. Man, I hope I don't always look that dumb.

"_I'm sorry, Sissy. Hiro just is so selfish. But I'm glad that you let us live here with you."_

"_Don't worry about it Kisa. I know he means well."_ They began moving about the kitchen, preparing dinner together_. "He just has difficulty saying what he's thinking. He's really just worried about you, you know."_

"_I don't know about that."_

"_Kisa, I know that he'd do ANYTHING if he thought it would make you happy. Not that it's any of my business, of course. But I think he thinks the world of you."_

"_Well. If he does, why doesn't he ever tell me? I don't think he likes me at all. I mean, I heard one of his friends ask him if he was going to take me to the end of the year dance. Sashi said that if Hiro wasn't going to ask me that he was thinking about asking me, but he didn't want Hiro to get mad at him for asking first if Hiro wanted to ask me. And Hiro said, 'You want to ask KISA to the dance? Why would you want to ask her to the dance? Does she seem like the dancing type? Oh, I bet you think she's one of those dumb girls who gets all excited over a stupid dance and just gushes about dresses and flowers. Well, if you think she does, then you can ask her. I'm not going to. I wouldn't want to go to a stupid dance with a stupid girl who thought dancing was a fun way to spend the night anyway.' Then he saw me, and said, 'Go on. Go with Sashi if you're going to go.' Then he muttered something under his breath and stomped away like he was mad at me. I don't know what I did, but I don't think he likes me any more."_

"_Oh, I don't think that's true. So what did Sashi say?"_

"_He asked me to the dance."_

"_And what did you say?"_

"_I told him no. He's very nice, but I really didn't want to go with him. So I thanked him for thinking of me, and told him that I had other plans."_

"_Kisa, do you know why I wanted you and Hiro to live here?"_

"_Well, I know you're going to need help once the baby comes..."_

"_Yes, and I can't think of a better live-in babysitter than you. You're the sweetest girl I've ever met." _Kisa blushed and smiled. Why doesn't she ever look like that when I talk to her? _"But you know, when I was your age, I was living here with Yuki, Kyo, and Shigure. And now, here I am, happily married. I know it may sound dumb. But I think this house is lucky. I think it brings together people who need to be together. I know back then, he NEVER would have had the words to tell me he loved me. But in time, living together, and with things happening like they did, he got up the courage, and look at us now!" _She continued to the rice maker and started making onigiri, humming as she said, _"I was thinking you and Hiro might need a house like this to help the two of you."_

Kisa sat down at the counter, put her hands in her head, and started crying. Tohru instantly came over to comfort her.

"_I'm sorry, Sissy. I really wish that this house was magic. But I don't think he'll ever feel that way about me. I know you think he already does. But I need him to tell me. At least once in a while. I don't think he'll ever do that."_

"_You never know, Kisa, you never know."_

"_I really don't think he will. That's why... That's why, when I graduate next month, I've decided I'm going to go to Kyoto to study. Akito has said that it's okay. And I need to put some distance between Hiro and me. In Kyoto, I can study at the shrine. Maybe I'll find some insight into how the curse was started. I know that it means that I'll be alone and never marry. But I think... I think I'd rather be alone when I feel alone than be not alone and yet still feel alone."_

"_Kisa. Do you have to leave? I'd miss you so much!"_

"_Sissy. You know I love you. Just like I love Haru and Yuki and Kyo and Shigure and Hatori, and all the jyuunishi. But I'll be more help to everyone if I'm studying there. And my heart won't hurt so much every day. I'll come back for every New Year." She wiped a tear from her eye and said, "I'm telling Hiro tonight. So I may not be in the mood to eat."_

I watched the two of them hug. Kisa put on her resolute face and started up the stairs to what used to be Yuki's room, but I'm guessing was now mine. She knocked on the door and I heard my older self say, _"Yeah, what do you want?"_

She grimaced and then forced her face smooth and asked if she could come in.

"_Yeah, whatever."_ God what an asshole! Dumbass, listen to her!

She walked in and sat on the bed and said, _"Hiro, there's something I wanted to tell you."_

I see myself swallow hard and turn around. _"So are you going to that stupid dance with Sashi?"_

"_No. I didn't accept his invitation. This is something else."_ She swallowed hard.

"_Well whatever it is, spit it out. It doesn't do you any good to just sit there. If you've got something to say, say it!"_

"_I – I – I just thought you should know that I'm moving out next month."_

The look of shock on my face is quickly replaced with anger. _"Moving out?!"_

"_I'm – I'm going to Kyoto to study at the shrine there. I'm going to study to be a miko, and maybe learn about how the curse came to be in the first place."_

I turn away from her, so she can't see the fear on my face, because I know I'm losing her. _"Well, that's just great! You're going to leave me here with that dumb girl. Well, I hope you're happy there! You know mikos live a life of solitude, right. Well I guess a girl like you doesn't care for anyone, so it's better if you're alone anyway, right." _I've turned back to her and I'm actually yelling at her. _"Well what are you waiting for? You've told me. You're leaving. It's great. Really great. It's perfect. So you can get out of my room now and just leave me alone!"_ I turn my back to her and pretend to get back to studying. Only I know that what I'm doing is covering my face so she doesn't see me crying.

"You DUMB ASS! Tell her! Tell her now! It's not too late. Say you're sorry and TELL HER!"

This older me sits there crying as she walks out of the room. The world blurs again and turns dark.

"So why are you showing me this. Okay. So I'm a dumb asshole! There. You've shown me who I really am. Are you happy now? Can I get back to my life? Again and again, you keep showing me that there's no way I could possibly make her happy, there's no possible way for us to be together. Can we be finished now?"

She hugs me tighter and says, "You've almost got it. Would you like to try this one again and change anything? Only you can decide what should change and what shouldn't here. If you could take one thing from this, and change it, what would it be?"

I stop and think about the scene that I've just seen.

"Sashi. I should trust Sashi and tell him the truth. Then he won't ask her. Then I can ask her. I WOULD want to take her to a dance."

In a flash, we're at the school, and I see Sashi approach a teenage version of me. He asks me if I'd mind if he asks Kisa to the dance, and I hear myself say, _"Sashi, don't be a jerk! You know I've been in love with Kisa for as long as I can remember living. I don't know if she feels the same way as me... I've never told her, because – she might not like me, too, and besides, I've told you before our family situation is pretty messed up. But I've already decided I'm going to take a chance and ask her. If I don't, some jackass like you might come along, and if I lose her, then there truly will be nothing good in my life at all! So don't make me have to kick your ass, okay?"_ I chuckle and give him a punch in the shoulder and he says, _"Good. I was hoping you'd say that. I thought if I said I wanted to ask her that maybe you'd get off that dumb ass of yours and finally tell Kisa how you feel about her."_

"_How you feel about me?" _Kisa had walked into the room while they were talking.

"_K-Kisa!"_ I stutter.

"_I'll just leave you two alone." _Sashi said and walked out of the classroom with a grin from ear to ear.

"_What was Sashi talking about?"_

"_Kisa. Um" _I turn my back on her. If I have to look at her beautiful face, I'll just lose my nerve. _"I – I'm sorry I've never been brave enough to say this to your face. I just. God. I hope you'll still..." _

"Just say it, jackass!"

I turn to face her. _"Kisa, you're the only – you're the most – Kisa."_ I grab her and hug her to me, whispering into her ear, _"I love you. I always have. I know I'll never be good enough for you – you deserve the most – better than – but I still love you, and I just had to tell you. Even if you don't love m-"_

I watch her pull my face to hers and kiss me. She kisses that other me so fiercely that I can feel it.

"_Hiro. You have always been... my only love."_

"Do you see now, who you are? You are the prince. The prince who saves the princess. The knight who gives his life to save her. If you can be fearless. You will be. Who you wish to be."

I wake up. The sun is shining. It's Sunday. I know where she will be. I grab an onigiri on the way out the door, yell to my mom that I'm going to Shigure's, then run at full tilt all the way there.

When I get there, Tohru greets me at the door. "Well, hello, Hiro! How nice to see you! Kisa just got here a few minutes ago. She's in the living room."

I take a deep breath and say, "I'm only going to say this once, so don't think this will happen again. You took care of her, when I couldn't. So, thank you. But don't think this means that I don't think that you're smart or special or anything! It's not like it's hard to love her. But I guess you're not completely useless." She smiles at me and squeezes my arm.

Then I square my shoulders and walk into the living room to talk to Kisa. I've got a lot of work to do to become her prince. But I think that Tohru-chick is actually rooting for me. She may be dumb, but I don't mind if she's right this once.


	4. Kagura

Summary: Each Sohma realizes how he really feels about Honda Tohru.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Fruits Basket, nor do I own any of its characters, even though I'm borrowing them for a bit. I own the thought behind this story, and that's all. So please don't sue me, Natsuki Takaya-sensei. Just understand that I love your stories so much and the wait for them to be translated to English is killing me, so I have to write and read fanfiction so as I don't go postal.

CHAPTER 4: KAGURA

"_Get it through your thick head! We're not getting married. EVER! I don't love you. I've never loved you and I never will! Now LEAVE! ME! ALONE!!"_

How many times I've heard that before. But I never really heard it. Because he's so angry when he says it. And I know him so well. I know that when he loses his temper he just lashes out and says whatever he thinks will hurt the other person. But he doesn't really mean what he says.

Is it funny or sad how I think of this now as we're studying what we're studying?

"…that is one of the most important things to remember when communicating. Words are not the only way we communicate. If you wish to communicate clearly with others, you need to understand all the subtle ways we communicate.

"We all know that body language is the most sincere way that we can understand each other. We instinctively know what a person means - what the underlying tone is to their words - by posture. We've already covered how the tone of the spoken voice can change the words' meaning. We've covered how knowing the past history of the person to whom you are communicating can help you to understand intricacies of what it is they're really trying to say. But the most important thing to remember is that when people communicate - unless they're deliberately trying to deceive - will not use words that do not bear truth to them: on one or many levels.

"You need to truly hear what it is the other person is saying on ALL levels - spoken or no, implied or stated - in order to truly reach the deepest level of understanding.

"You will have to dissect your discussions - word by word, gesture by gesture, influction by influction - in order to be successful in any communicative art: psychiatry, diplomacy, entertainment. The more you succeed in communicating effectively, the more you will succeed in life. You need to dissect both what's being communicated to you, and how you communicate in return - so that you can change your patterns and start to make yourself understood by each person with whom you come in contact.

"Okay. So for Monday, I want you to read ahead in your Interpersonal Communications textbook through chapter 8. And to support that, we're going to begin a dissection process in your own lives so that you can understand your own patterns of communication. The initial steps that you need to follow in your journal are outlined at the end of chapter 8.

"Every one will think of a time in their life where they've attempted to communicate something to someone, and failed. Some time when you've been misunderstood - we all have them - but not only a small misunderstanding: it needs to be something that truly stands out for you and has caused you pain. Enough pain where you remember the details vividly.

"This won't be an easy assignment. You'll be tempted to use something that's not so important - something that's easier on your Id to remember, and something that will not make you feel so exposed. But rest assured I will be the only one that will read your assignment. Please do your best and do not fear that anyone else will ever know what you have written. I have my license as a psychiatrist and as I said on the first day of class, for any assignments like this, you can assume a doctor-patient confidentiality level.

"I look forward to reading your journeys through yourself. Today's assignment is just the first step. You'll be working on this for the next four weeks, and going into great depth. This is going to be an interesting month for us all!"

Kusu sensei. What was I thinking when I signed up for Interpersonal Communications, anyway?

I know what I was thinking. I was thinking that this would be a good class for me to grow some more, and more importantly with this class, I don't have to take Speech. Not that I mind talking in front of other people, but at the end of the year in Speech, you have to debate - and in middle school when we had to debate, I lost my temper and broke the lecturn. My opponent ran out of the room screaming in fear, and I was suspended for a week. It's probably a really good thing she ran out of the room too. Otherwise, I might have really hurt her. I'd hate to repeat something like that now that I'm in college!

And I was also thinking that this would be a good opportunity for me to find a way to help Kyo… And me…

Bing bong bing bong. Bing bing bing bong.

"Class dismissed."

I guess this assignment has me a little bit depressed.

I've read the chapter. I've read through the entire step by step process for the journal.

First, I'm supposed to write down an event where I wanted to communicate something important to me and failed - and what it was that I wanted to communicate. Then I'm to put down as many details as possible, including exactly what I said, what I remember the other person said, what the weather was like, what we were wearing, where we were located physically in relation to each other and in relation to our environment, our body stances - everything I can remember. Then I'm supposed to write down the reaction that I wanted from the other person, and an analysis of why I think the other person may not have reacted the way I wanted. Supposedly, next week we're going to go through some self-hypnosis to better remember some details of the incident. Then the teacher is going to help us analyze the other person's reactions in detail - so we can figure out what the other person was truly trying to communicate. And the end of the assignment involves us determining what we could have done to communicate effectively and possibly achieved our goal.

My problem is that I can't think of just one incident. It's recurring.

In a way, it's gone a little better since she came along. But in a way, it's gotten worse. Because she doesn't even say anything and she lets him know what I've been trying to say all along. And I scream it from the rooftops and it still doesn't come through.

Isn't it better to be direct?

And it's not even that she's not direct. She's the most honest and trustworthy person I know. I love her. But there are times when I just wish so much that I was her. So that he would… trust me like he does her.

Okay. Well, let's get to it.

What I was trying to communicate that failed: I was trying to communicate to the man I love that I love him and that - regardless of what anyone else may think of him, he needs to believe in himself - because he truly is the most noble, strong, courageous, and sweet man that I have ever met.

Description of the incident: I came over to his house because a girl had started living there, and I noticed that since she had come into his life, his temper had mellowed a bit. My purpose was only to give him more encouragement, because it had been raining and I know that the rain always gets him down. When I saw him, I immediately hugged him - because I know that he doesn't get much physical contact from anyone in his life - and told him I loved him. He got mad and pushed me away. I got mad and hit him for pushing me away. He started yelling at me and said…

I don't want to write any more. I'm going to sleep on it. It might be easier to write early in the day - when I'm not so tired and depressed.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! SLAM!!

Kami, but I hate alarm clocks going off. I sit up and groggily rub my eyes. There's light coming in the window… Wait. This isn't my bedroom. Where am I?

It's a bit spare, but it's definitely a girl's - OH! This is Tohru-chan's room. Ok. Now that I know where I am… how did I get here?

I hope I didn't really lose my temper, storm over here and then pass out. I mean, not that that's normal. I know I tell people that I don't remember doing the stuff I do when I get out of control, but that's really not true. I just tell them that because it's a bit less crazy than getting so emotional that you just can't control yourself. I mean, it's really like watching yourself on TV acting like an idiot. I see myself. I know I'm behaving poorly, but I just can't stop. I really don't want anyone to know that even though I can't stop myself, I do know what I'm doing when I act like that - at least most of the time.

There have been about three instances in my life where I really have blacked out. They made it easier to pretend all the other times I lose control, but those times weren't pretty. Even if I had remembered doing the stuff they later told me I did, I think I would have wanted to convince myself that I hadn't. But in those few instances, I can honestly say I don't remember even getting upset.

So if this is one of those times… Did I hurt myself? No. It doesn't look like it. But why would they put me in Tohru's bed unless… I must have passed out afterward. That happened one of the times, so I would guess that must have happened this time.

Well it's morning now, so I should probably go see about visiting the little girl's room - maybe getting a shower. Then I'll venture downstairs and see if Tohru needs any help with breakfast. She's always so nice, I can probably get her to tell me what happened and then I can apologize and fix anything I've broken. I always at least clean up after my messes - even if I can't always admit to remembering making them.

The shower felt really nice. It's the only way to wake up, I think.

Well, let's see how bad we look this mor -

Toh - ru. What?! I touch my face. The mirror. No. This is me. I am me. I am me, aren't I? So why is Tohru's face looking back at me? Maybe I should sit down. Edge of bathtub. Ok.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"Hey! What're ya doin' in there? Are you feeling okay?"

"Um. I'm. Okay…" Kyo!

"You don't have another fever, do you? I'm comin' in!"

I'm not covered. Towel! Must get it around me! Door! "EEP!" Okay. I'm covered. I think I got it in time – otherwise he'd have passed out. Boy, he's awful red though. He sure does blush a lot around her. His hand on my forehead feels cool.

"You're a little warm, but I don't think you've got a fever. Whadda ya doin' in here? You usually don't take a shower until after you've cooked breakfast and done all the laundry - "

"Baka neko. You make it sound like she's done something wrong. Miss Honda, you should feel free to take a shower whenever you want. You do too much for us all as it is."

I see Yuki's finally noticed that I'm only in a towel. I want to giggle - but for some reason, even though a part of me really wants to giggle, I feel myself turning really red and pulling the towel tighter around me. Still, I don't usually see Yuki-kun this flustered. He's usually a bit more smooth. I guess seeing a woman in a towel really gets to him. It's cute. I'm going to have to remember this for the future. That is, once I figure out what the hell is going on.

"Kuso nezumi! What're you doing up at this hour anyway?"

"Your knocking and yelling woke me up. You're just so loud."

"Yu-ki! Kyo-oh! Have you seen Tohru-ku - Oh! Oh, my! Whatever are the two of you doing? Assaulting our precious flower in the shower? And you call ME "hentai". I may think of such things, but I would never act in such a manner as to try to sully the purity of our sweet and innocent maiden. Oh, dear! It's such a sh-"

"Shut UP you KUSU INU!" In stereo where available. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who punches someone through walls here. Looks like it's everyone except Shigure and Tohru who does that.

"Miss Honda, we really must apologize for barging in on you like this."

"Yeah. What he said. We just. Wanted to make sure you were… YOU KNOW: Okay."

"So we'll leave you to… Um…" My goodness, Yuki! I didn't know you could GET that red! "I'll just go make sure that hentai is still alive."

"I'll put some tea on for ya. So you can have some when you come down. If you want."

"Thank you Kyo. That'd be very nice. I shouldn't be much longer."

It's like I'm on autopilot. I watch them leave and close the door. And my body - or should I say her body? - takes over. I see her brush her teeth in the mirror, and comb her hair, and… there's a cabinet where she obviously keeps a spare set of everyone's clothes in here. Well that's convenient. Once I'm dressed, I pull out some ribbons that match the dress and put my hair up. Then I smile once for the mirror and make my way downstairs - immediately to the kitchen.

Kyo's just finishing up the tea, and I see that he's got breakfast started. He's making some onigiri, and there's a fish grilling on the stove.

"Kyo, you didn't have to cook breakfast - that's my responsibility!"

"Ah, be quiet! It's obvious to all of us y'aren't feeling yourself today. It's not like this is gonna be a habit! So just… just sit down, and I'll bring breakfast to you for a change."

He's so sweet to her. But the funny thing is, I feel like… It's like I'm feeling how she feels. And how I feel. At the same time. She really feels guilty when people do things for her. What is she? Crazy? I'd kill to have people do stuff for me. If Kyo were to make me breakfast… God. I kinda feel like crying just thinking about it. But even so, I know that I'm – I mean she's walking to the dining room table with a goofy grin on her face. Oh. Yuki's already sitting here.

"Good morning, Yuki. Sorry I was such a bother today."

"Miss Honda, you are never a bother."

He's smiling at me. You know, I don't think I've ever seen Yuki smile like that at anyone before. He looks so shy. And then he looks terrified, as he excuses himself from the table saying he forgot something upstairs.

I hear myself make small talk - oh, that's okay. Kyo says breakfast will be ready soon, so don't be too long, that kind of stuff. But what I'm thinking is, how weird his reactions were.

I thought he was in love with her. I thought they both were. But Yuki… he takes one step toward her, then runs away. What is he scared of? Does he not really have feelings for her? Maybe it's just that he thinks of her as a friend – his first friend outside the family. It's kinda hard to tell.

Kyo comes in with dishes to set the table. "Oh. Kyo! Let me do that!"

"Sit your butt down! I already told ya that I'm taking care of it. What? Don't ya think I can handle it?"

"Um. No. Of course not. I mean. That is. Of course you can. But really… I should be doin-"

"Tell you what. You find that perverted dog, and that damned rat, and tell them breakfast is ready. And by the time you're back, it will all be on the table. Okay?" He reaches over and tousles my hair. What am I? His kid sister? His pet?

I'm really starting to get pissed off at everyone. Man. They treat Tohru… It's just not what I imagined. I always thought they were all kind of in love with her and that she's just kind of …oblivious about it.

"Shigure-san?"

"Yes, my lovely flower?"

"Kyo says that breakfast is ready."

"Kyo says? Oh, no. You mean that we will not be blessed with the wonderful epicurean delights that we've become so accustomed to ever since you have graced our little home with your beauty and charm? Sigh. Ah, well. I'm sure that this one repast will simply remind us of how lucky we are to be fed from your gentle hands," he takes hold of my hands as he goes on and on dramatically like he always does, "each and every day. Ah! Like wild animals, we are tamed by the mere presence of the virtuous fair maiden. Only she has us eating out of the palm of her hand. And now, we're forced to eat the meager gruel of another. It will only serve to make us long for her gentle hand all the more…" He's gently kissing my palms. Isn't that supposed to be a lover's kiss? I feel my, I mean her, knees getting weak. And my breathing isn't normal. Does he flirt with her like this all the time? That jackass! I'm gonna hit him so hard!

Whoops! I've lost my balance. I'm falling right on top of…

POOF

"Oh, NO! I'm so sorry, Shigure! I don't know what happened. I guess I just lost my balance because…" I feel myself blushing. "Because… I guess… I guess I'm still not feeling that great." And I feel my entire body blush – because I know she's lying. She tripped because she didn't know what to make of him kissing her hand like that. And looking at me… so dark.

"It's okay, Tohru-chan. He grabs leans over and licks my cheek and says, "Well, Tohru-love, while I head down, could you be a dear and grab the pile of laundry over there – I'm afraid I've run out of clean yukatas." He tosses his robe over his back and whistles as he pads down the hall.

I don't know what to feel first. Startled because I didn't know that dogs could whistle, or pissed off? Shigure can be a real pain. I mean, he just loves to get people bent out of shape: acting like he's her secret lover. And then he turns around and treats her like she's just a maid!

Sigh. But it seems like she's used to this, because even though I could feel her heartbeat speed up when he was flirting, it's not like there's disappointment now that he's done with it. Maybe she just gets nervous that he's serious and she doesn't want him to be. She does seem more comfortable acting just as a maid.

Ugh. I don't even want to look at the laundry too closely, though. I might find something I'd rather not know about. I'll just bring this to the laundry room on my way to find Yuki.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"Yuki-kun – are you in there?"

"Just a moment, Miss Honda." His voice sounds really strange.

"Are you okay? You sound a little-"

"I'm fine. I suppose breakfast is ready?"

"Um. Yeah." He's being awfully abrupt in his responses. I can't stand it. I wonder if he's being naughty? "What're you doing in there, Yuki-kun?" I reach for the door handle, and both my feet slip out from under me. THWUMP! Ow. My butt!

CRASH! I hear him running for the door. "Miss Honda! Are you alright?" The door swings open and I see that he must have knocked over his chair when he heard me fall. Oh. He was just doing homework. How very Yuki-like.

"I'm okay. I just… tripped, I guess." That's something Tohru would say. Not, 'I wanted to see if you were misbehaving, so I was trying to sneak in on you and I slipped.'

Wait. Okay. This is the second time I've had an attack of clutziness today. And it's the second time where I've tried to act like me, not Tohru. I wonder if the two events are related. I'm going to have to try this again and test this out.

"…Miss Honda. Miss Honda!"

"Oh. Sorry, Yuki-kun. I guess I just was spacing out again." I knock my head like she usually does.

"Thank goodness. You had me worried. Are you okay to go down to breakfast? Why don't you take my arm. We wouldn't want anything to happen to you."

He's smiling at me again. I feel my heart flutter. Like the way it does when it's really my heart, not hers, and I see Kyo smiling. "Thank you so much, Yuki-kun." I smile shyly at him. He helps me up and as I stand, for a moment our faces are mere inches apart. He jumps back and clears his throat. He's not smiling anymore.

"Shall we?"

"Okay." ARGH! What is in that boy's head? Was he upset by the fact that he was almost close enough to kiss her? Does he really not like her that way? Being around him is like being a yo-yo. For once, I think I'm glad I'm not Tohru. Well, I mean, I know she's had some difficult times. I don't think I've ever really wanted to have her WHOLE life. But if I could just be more like her… Then maybe Kyou would like me more.

Still. These three must be torture for her. She's not as clueless as anyone thinks.

Breakfast goes by pretty uneventfully. I keep looking at each of them as I eat. They all are pretty attentive to their plates today. Not much interaction.

I don't know how she can live with these guys. I mean, not a one of them will tell her how he really feels. Everything must feel really up in the air to her. She's had her whole life taken away from her. Now she finally has a home, and yet… She's still completely on uncertain ground. She doesn't know what they want. She's still trying to figure out who they all are. AND there's the fact that there's Akito she has to worry about! Yikes!

But they do all listen to her. No matter what she says, they all take the time to stop and hear what she has to say. Even Akito – though he'd never admit it.

Hmmmmm.

Maybe if I get Kyou alone, I can find out what he really thinks about me. If he really does hate me like he says – if that really is the grain of truth when he reacts – then I'll… I'll just have to leave him alone. That's what love is. But if he doesn't really understand how I feel. As Tohru, maybe I can tell him how I feel (or rather tell him how Kagura feels), and he'll listen.

This could be good.

"So, are you feeling any better, Miss Honda?"

"Oh. Yep. I feel much better now that I've eaten. You know what they say: fish is brain food. So I guess I could use all the fish I can eat, eh?" I smile awkwardly – making fun of myself. But really I'm making fun of her – even though I know what I've said is not true.

They all three look at me shocked and start talking at once.

"Miss Honda, that is just not true." (Yuki)

"Don't you even joke like that! You're plenty smart." (Kyo)

"Ah, but if you get too smart for me, how will I ever be able to keep you?" (Shigure – who is very lucky they were all talking at once because if Yuki & Kyo had heard what he said, he'd probably be flat on his back again.)

I chuckle at them and smile. "Well, I guess I better take care of these dishes."

"Stop!" Kyo grabs my arm. "Give those dishes to me. I'll carry them in there for you, and you can just get the water ready. Then, you wash and I'll dry."

"Um. Okay."

Yuki shoots Kyo a dirty look. "Well, I guess there's nothing more for me to do, so I'm going to go finish up some homework."

Shigure just leaves with no comment. He must be thinking about a story – or his editor.

Scrubbing the dishes is always easier if you do it right after the meal. We finish up in practically no time. It's a shame because I thought I'd get to talk to him. Once we're done, Kyo goes outside to practice and I take care of the laundry. I put the first load in, then I go outside and watch Kyo practice. Passing the refrigerator, I notice the shopping list. A-ha! My chance to get him alone.

I wonder how he would react if Tohru called him "love." I know. I'll call to him like I always do, and see how he reacts. If it seems weird, I can just say it was a practical joke to scare him.

"KYO! MY L-" I walk down the stairs, but as soon as I start sounding like myself, I trip on my shadow and my arms start flailing to try and prevent me from falling onto my face.

No such luck.

Ow.

"Tohru! Are you alright?"

He picks me up and holds me on his lap and gently brushes dirt off my face.

SPYUH! PHUH! PUH! I spit out some dust.

"I think I'm okay. I just tripped again." That settles it. I have to act like Tohru or else bad things happen. I really don't want to risk any more accidents. No telling what might happen.

"Did you hurt yourself?" I look up into his eyes. I feel her heart warm at the care that is evident in his eyes. But my heart, both skips a beat and becomes immeasurably sad. Is it even possible he could **ever** love me like this? He never acts like this with me.

"N-no. I'm okay." I smile at him, then pull away and brush myself off. "You know me – total klutz." I knock myself in the head and smile again. "I just came to ask if you would like to come with me to do the grocery shopping."

Luckily BRUSH it's not muddy BRUSH only dusty, so I won't BRUSH, BRUSH have to change my clothes.

"Of course I'll come. If I let you go on yer own, you might fall down somewhere and break something!" He smiles at me. "I'll just go change clothes – so if you want to, too, then we can be ready to go at the same time."

Good idea. BRUSH BRUSH

Okay. We're about 1/2-way back from the store, and I still haven't been able to talk to him. Just how do I bring up myself in conversation?

"Um. I haven't seen much of Kagura lately. Do you think she might want to come over for dinner soon?"

"Why would you want to invite HER over?"

I give him a little sad look. "Don't you like her? She's so nice. And she really does love you so much." You have no idea.

He scowls at me. "Ya don't gotta look like that about it!" He sighs. "I know she's nice. It's just… I don't know. I just don't like her hanging all over me all the time."

"But don't you like that she can hug you?" I blush. "It's just… If I could never be hug anyone, I'd sure be glad if I found someone I could hug that wanted to hug me."

"That's only good if you want to hug them, too! And it's not like she gives me any choice in the matter!" He does get loud when he's emotional.

"Well, yeah, but you know it's only because she cares about you so much."

"HAH! Right!"

I just look at him questioningly, and he responds in such a quiet little voice. "It's not even like she knows who I am – I'm just someone for her to latch on to." And then he mumbles, "Not like you. You're the only person who likes me for me." If I really was Tohru, I bet I wouldn't have been able to even hear him say that last bit. So I better respond that way, too.

"Kyou, I don't believe that at all. I bet… I bet if the two of you were ever to really talk, you'd see that she knows you better than you think – and that's why she loves you." How could anyone know you and NOT love you, Kyou?

"Yeah. Well. If she ever could manage to talk to me instead of yelling, I'd test that theory to prove you wrong!" He smiles at me, grabs my neck, and gives me a noogie. Does he love Tohru? Does he think of her as a sister? Could he ever care about me? I just don't know.

After we get back to the house, I put the groceries away, and start dinner. It'll needs to stew on the stove for a couple hours to achieve full flavor, so I have some time. The laundry's all done. There's not much for me to clean up – although I bet Shigure's room could use some help.

Well, Tohru's always been so good to me, I'll be good to her and do some work in Gure-kun's room. I'd hate to think of what might be waiting for her if someone else didn't do something about it.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"Shigure-san, are you busy?"

"Tohru-kun! What can I do for you?"

"Um. Well. Nothing. I was just thinking that maybe – if it wouldn't be disturbing you – I could do a little cleaning in here. I so rarely get a chance, and I thought it might be nice to tidy your room up for you."

"Well, this is an unexpected surprise! But then, since my lovely flower has come into my life, every day is filled with wonderful surprises that bring joy to my heart and a smile to my lips." That singsong tone. At least it makes it easy to tell when he's kidding around and when he's serious. "But, I do need to work on this manuscript. Would I be in your way?" See? That's the serious voice.

"Not at all Shigure-san. I'll just work around you."

"You really are too wonderful, Tohru-chan." He smiles at me over his glasses before he settles down behind his computer.

Well. Let's start with the dirty dishes that are in here. Sheesh. How many coffee mugs can one have in a room? How does Tohru manage to not go crazy living here? Three guys. Guys are such slobs. Well, Yuki does keep his room pretty clean. But is that because he wants to keep Tohru out? I mean first he connects with her, then he pulls away. It's so stressful!

Okay. Now that all the dishes are outta here – let's pick up the laundry. Well, there's surprisingly little. Must be because he gave me all his dirty yukatas already this morning. And Kyou helps out wherever he can. But again I wonder why. Is it because he wants to feel like he belongs here – just like Tohru feels like she's paying her way through living here? Or is it because he wants to be closer to Tohru. It's so hard to tell. These guys try so hard to not feel anything that they end up pretending that they don't feel anything.

And we'll take out the trash. Huh! I didn't know Shigure was so into Pocky. It's like he's been sampling all the different flavors. Well, I know what I'm getting him for his birthday! It may be a big bag of trash, but at least it's mostly crumpled paper, so it's pretty light. And then there's Shigure she has to deal with. I mean, let's face it. The guy is hot and intense. Poor little Tohru probably doesn't know which way is up with him. Is he flirting with her? Is he not? Does she need to fear that he'll push himself on her? She probably doesn't really think he will, but still…

Now let's straighten up all these books. I think I'll just get them off the floor first. Then, after I vacuum, I can put them in alphabetical order. This room was in horrible disorder. It must drive Tohru absolutely bonkers. And if the others keep up with their room to keep her out, does Shigure keep his a mess so that she'll keep coming in? But then he acts like she's his servant. And while I find that to be SO offensive, it seems like Tohru finds it comfortable – but that's probably because it's something familiar and safe. She's always serving everyone.

Oh. Before I sweep, I should probably dust. Not much to dust in here but the books, now that everything's picked up. It's no wonder Kyou feels so comfortable with her. Who wouldn't love her? And if she was in love with him and he was in love with her… But I don't know if they do. And Kyou… What he said today… Why is it that he thinks I don't love him for him? What can I do to show him how I truly feel. About him. He's not just someone to hold on to.

Okay. That's that! Now a quick sweep and we're all done.

"So are you going to tell me what's on your mind, or do I have to pry it out of you?"

"Um. Excuse me?"

"You heard what I said, young lady. Tell me what's on your mind. Ah, ah, ah! Don't give me that look. I know you better than that. No humming. No singing. Straight to the work. All business. – Not that you don't always get your work done efficiently and better than anyone I've ever seen! But I can see that there's no joy in you at doing your job well today. And THAT," he taps my nose, "is because YOU are lost in thought. So spill and let Niisan Shigure help you sort out what's bugging you." Shigure-niisan. If only you knew who you were talking to. Who you're winking at.

"I… Kyou said something today. It's got me thinking…" Hey, it's not like I can say something about how they treat Tohru, so I guess I'll just talk about my problem. If I can ever figure out how to be me again, I'll deal with their treatment of Tohru then. And in my OWN way. But MY problem… Shigure notices everything. Maybe… well, it can't help to get his point of view, right?

"Was he being angry and out of control again? I swear – that boy needs to learn how to control his temper."

"NO! No. That's not it. It's… He said – We were talking about Kagura, and he said that he didn't think that Kagura really cared about him at all – that he was just someone for her to latch on to. Then he said something that I don't think I was supposed to hear. He said that I'm the only person who's ever liked him for being him.

"But I don't think that's true at all! Do you think that's true?" Is he really in love with Tohru? And is that what people really think about me? That I'm some insane clingy girl who only cares about herself?

"Well. I can see why you've been fretting about this. I know you're rooting for those two. Why don't you sit down, and I'll fill you in?

"There's something you may not know about Kyou and Kagura. You know how he was pretty much shunned by everyone in the family but his mother. And you know about his relationship with his mother – how she never really got over her fear of his other form and … well, anyway, you know how that ended. So after she died, the only one who really stood by Kyou was Kazuma. I have to tell you, we ALL really failed Kyou back then.

"But once he started living with Kazuma, he got to meet Haru and Kagura when they went to Kazuma for training. For a while, it looked like he had a little crush on Kagura. And one time – now you have to keep it a secret that I know this! Neither Kagura nor Kyou knows I know – Kyou's bracelet came off in the middle of a class, and he transformed. Hatori had to be called in right away. The kids were hysterical. Kyou was so scared. He ran away and hid. Hatori erased everyone's memory. Kagura was crying so hard, that Hatori went to try to erase her memory, too. But Kagura socked him in the eye and said, 'Don't you dare! I never want to forget this. Ever!' I'll tell you Hatori had a shiner for half a month! Hee hee!

"Then she picked up Kyou's bracelet and ran away to try to find him. When she found him, he was cowering in the bushes. He was still in his other form. She reached for his hand – she looked so serious and scared. But I don't think she was scared of him. I think she was scared FOR him. I've never seen anyone who wasn't afraid of his other form before or since. But she didn't look like she was scared at all. Maybe it's because she's the boar – maybe his smell didn't get to her, I don't know. But either way, he just kept cowering back from her, and then he growled at her.

"She looked shocked for a second – she figured he'd be glad to see her. Then she figured out what to do. She's always been just too sweet and smart for all of us. So she tossed him his bracelet, and then reached out her hand again with a smile. He put his bracelet back on, transformed back to himself, and tentatively took her hand. She was so happy she leaned over and hugged him. 'I'm so happy you're okay! I was really worried about you!' she said as they started walking back.

"Kyou couldn't believe it. Someone finally fully accepted him. Other than Kazuma. And even Kazuma had a hard time with the bad smell he has as the cat's vengeful form. Kagura didn't. Kyou was totally smitten. From that point on, it was like all he looked forward to was when Kagura would be at the Dojo for training.

"But Akito heard of it. He couldn't have Kyou being happy, now could he? As the God, he has to make sure the cat suffers. I don't know why, but that's the way it's always been. So he ordered Hatori to take away Kyou's memory of the event. Kyou never knew it was going to happen. But afterward, he knew he'd lost some time. And he figured out that something had been taken from him – although he never figured out what.

"So in his mind, the only person who ever really accepted him was Kazuma. But Kagura, she never stopped caring about him. Kyou just doesn't know it. And Kagura being Kagura, she got more and more forceful about her feelings. And Kyou pulled further and further away from her.

"My guess is that to him, it seems like she's faking her feelings – the same way his mother used to do to cover her fear of his other form. And each time he pushes her away, it just makes her more anxious to make him feel better and she just keeps trying harder and harder. It's a vicious circle.

"And then you came into the picture. And Kazuma used you to try to get Kyou back. To show him that not everyone will reject him. He felt badly about it – using you – but he just had to do it for his son.

"So, Kyou has a lot of hope in his life because of you. But it was because of Kagura initially. It's just he will never know that. And now, I don't know if they'll ever be able to break the cycle."

"Shigure! That's so sad. Poor Kagura! Poor Kyou!... Oh. But is there anything that can be done to help them? She loves him so much!" Oh, Shigure-niisan. I could kiss you. You really do believe in me. Please! Any advice!

"I'm afraid it's up to the two of them. If Kagura could calm down a bit – so that he doesn't feel so trapped by her – maybe he'd actually start listening to the words she's saying."

I stand up and kiss his cheek.

"Thank you, Shigure-niisan. You've helped me out a lot."

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! SLAM!!

Kami, I HATE alarm clocks! I sit up and groggily rub my eyes. There's light coming in the window… Wait. This isn't Tohru's bedroom. I'm ME again! What day is it? Where is that darned watch? It's Sunday.

I was dreaming? That had to be the most realistic dream I've ever had.

But if it was just a dream… Does that mean that my conversation with Shigure was just made up in my head? It must be. He knew too much about that day. It's not like he was there when I found Kyo.

Then again, he always has known more than anyone thinks – and about things you'd never even think to think about.

But still, it must have been a dream. And if it's a dream, then it must have been my unconscious mind working through my assignment for me. And if that's the case…

Let's get to work!

_What I was trying to communicate that failed: I was trying to communicate to the man I love that I love him and that - regardless of what anyone else may think of him, he needs to believe in himself - because he truly is the most noble, strong, courageous, and sweet man that I have ever met._

_Description of the incident: I came over to his house because a girl had started living there, and I noticed that since she had come into his life, his temper had mellowed a bit. My purpose was only to give him more encouragement, because it had been raining and I know that the rain always gets him down. He came in from the living room – I think he was about to help Tohru set the table for lunch – wearing his favorite black t-shirt and khaki pants. (I was in my green dress with a pair of new green boots – Doc Martens that come halfway up the calf. They're really cute! My cousin Rin got them for me for Christmas last year.)_

_When I saw him, I immediately hugged him - because I know that he doesn't get much physical contact from anyone in his life - and said, "Kyou, my love! I missed you so much!" He got mad and pushed me away, towards the front door, and said, "Get off me you crazy bitch!"_

_Now, I should probably preface this next bit by stating that I do have an issue with anger management. That's one of the reasons I'm taking this class. I know that you say that whenever we're angry it's because we feel helpless. I really do agree. I'm hoping this class will instruct me on options so that I can find creative solutions in communicating so that I feel more in control and less helpless._

_That got me mad, so grabbed him and did a powerhouse throw. He landed on the porch, with his back up against the railing, kind of sprawled out. I grabbed his shirt front and picked him up – and he kind of got his feet under him, so he was pulling away from me again and I started punching him as I said, "What is the matter with you? I miss you and I love you so much, and this is how you treat me? You'll treat me better once we're married!"_

_By this time, we were in the front yard of where he lives, and he sat up from where he was laying on the ground (I hit really hard when I'm mad), looked at me and yelled, "Get it through your thick head! We're not getting married. EVER! I don't love you. I've never loved you and I never will! Now LEAVE! ME! ALONE!!"_

_I remember that a leaf fell from the tree behind where he was sitting. His body language reminded me of a cat that's been cornered and is looking for a way to jump, run, and hide._

_I grabbed him by the collar, glared at him, and said in a deep voice, "You really don't want to take that tone with me." Then, I grabbed his hand, giggled, and said, "C'mon, silly! Let's go have lunch! I noticed Tohru was setting the table when I arrived."_

_He followed behind me dragging his feet. But it started raining, so he didn't fight too much. We had a quiet lunch and then, as soon as the weather cleared a bit, I went home. _

_Why my communication failed: Well, I think my first mistake was concentrating on what I wanted to say so much that I failed to listen to what he was saying. As you may have guessed, this is only one incident in a series. This sort of thing happens all the time between us. We have a really long history._

_This goes hand-in-hand with the second problem: I've put more so much importance on how much I want him to realize how wonderful he is, that I've failed to notice that by doing so, I'm just putting more pressure on him – making him feel trapped._

_Finally, there is the problem that I have been under the incorrect belief that I understand everything of what he is thinking and feeling. But we never really know everything in the other person's mind. That's why listening is the most important factor in communicating. _

_Desired reaction: This is pretty simple. I desired him to smile at me like he used to when we were kids – back when he felt about me the way I feel about him now. I wanted him to lift his head up tall and proud. And maybe say that he loved me, too. But even if that didn't happen, just to see him have a little more self-confidence, and to see him feel assured by the knowledge that someone believes in him – that would be enough._

_Analysis: I believe that Kyou cannot believe the words that I am saying to him when I tell him I love him because of the force with which I say them. Understanding his past history, I can see why this is the case. Even his own mother used to say one thing to him, but her body language conveyed an entirely different meaning._

_In addition, I believe that he may no longer remember an event that occurred between the two of us that would give my words more truth when he heard them. It was a stressful event for him – one that I won't go into here – and I believe that because the event brought about such a strong bad memory, that he has forgotten both the event and my subsequent reactions that would show him that I mean what I say when I say it. I've been hoping that by repeating myself with more and more force that he might have his memory triggered. But I now feel that is not going to happen._

_To put it simply: Kyou needs to feel accepted for who he is. I thought if I just said it loud enough, he'd know it was true. But that's not the case. All that has been occurring by my responses is to make him feel trapped – like he doesn't have a choice. That is not the way to convey love to someone. When you love someone, you accept them – regardless of whether they accept you._

_I've been terrified that, as he gets closer to this new girl in his life – a quietly strong girl who is so much better at conveying love and concern than anyone I've ever met – that he'd fall in love with her and I'd be left alone. But I've come to realize that, as I do love him, I need to allow him to do what makes him happy. I do not believe she will choose him, and that will hurt him so much. So I've been getting more and more forceful. But instead, I need to use her as an example of behavior. She's like the little prince, taming the fox. Kyou is my fox. I need to be patient, offer him love from a distance, and wait until he comes to me. _

_By showing that I trust him to make his own decision, I will be conveying everything that I've meant to convey – quietly. And I think that he'll understand. I know he's wonderful – how could he not make the right choice? And if it's not me, by my trusting him, he'll know that I really will continue to love him – regardless of the choice. And that is, after all, what I really want say._

_I plan to implement this plan immediately. I will start by visiting him like I would any other person. I will still tell him that I love him. But it will be quiet. And I will be in control. Because I'm not afraid any more._

"As I hand back your papers, you'll notice that I've put comments in the margin. Please understand that ultimately, when analyzing your communications, only you can be the judge of the discussions you've had, your goals, and your progress. However, if I've noticed something that might be of assistance to you, or possibly an area where you appear to be trying to deceive yourself, I HAVE noted that. I hope you will hear my suggestions, consider them honestly, and use them where you feel appropriate.

"Again, I have to say that I'm really looking forward to working with you all on this through the next month. We do have quite a range of communication roadblocks. As we move on, I may ask if you feel comfortable sharing portions of your work with others in the class. We can all learn from our shared experience, if we share it with each other in an open and caring environment. You will not be forced to share. If you choose to keep your learning to yourself, that is perfectly acceptable – and no one will say ANYTHING negative about you either way.

"I look forward to seeing you on Wednesday. Please review the notes I've left you, consider how they may help you, and in our next class, I'll start pulling you aside one by one to get you ready for the next phase of the project.

"Good night, class."

Everyone's received their papers back except me. The rest of the class is flipping through their sheets, some scowling, some laughing, and gathering up their books to leave.

"Um, Gail-sama? I didn't get my paper back…"

"Kagura-kun. Yes. I've got your paper right here. Can you wait for a moment?"

I nod and stand by her desk as she follows the last of the students to leave toward the door and then slides it shut.

"I wanted to talk to you about your paper."

GULP.

"I don't believe in all my year of teaching that I've seen anything so honestly written on this assignment," she says as she hands me back my paper. "Quite honestly, I think the next few weeks are going to be cake for you. The others in the class are all struggling. It takes a lot to admit your weaknesses to yourself, but you don't seem to have that difficulty. There are also some students who have the opposite problem, they don't see their strengths. But you don't have that problem, either.

"You've pretty much completed the entire assignment for the next month, and I've already given you an A on the assignment. So I was hoping that you might be willing to implement your plan for communicating differently to your man, and keep notes on what works for you. Then, if you feel comfortable with it, would you consider sharing with the class? – You don't have to decide now."

I just stare at her in shock, and then look down on my paper that has a big blue "A" on it.

"You really have a heart for seeing through the externals to the core of what's being communicated. After the semester is over, if you have enjoyed the class, I'd like to discuss with you some classes you might wish to take, and some career paths that I believe you would absolutely excel at.

"I'm glad to have you in my class, Sohma Kagura-san."

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"Hello, Kagura. I'm really glad you could come over for lunch again."

"Well, thanks for inviting me, Tohru. Did you tell Kyou that I was coming over?"

"No, of course not, Kagura-san. You asked me not to!"

"You're the best! …Hey, can we go talk for a minute? In your room, maybe?"

I sit on her bed, then turn to her and give her the biggest hug. I make sure that I'm smiling, but how can you not smile when you're with Tohru?

"Tohru, have you ever had a dream you were someone else?"

"Eh?!?" She is so cute when she's confuse.

"I had a dream the other night. I was you. I woke up late, and Kyou made breakfast – "

"That happened to me on Sunday!"

Okay. That's just weird.

"Well, anyway… after spending a day as you (in my dream, of course), I just wanted to thank you."

"For what?"

I just smile at her. "You know, I'm betting that living in this house with those three baka has got to be quite trying at times. Yuki and Kyo can't even begin to work through their emotions enough to do anything, and the way they treat you – it would be completely appalling if I didn't know it was because they're so fragile inside."

She's cocking her head like a dog listening to something far away.

"What I'm trying to say is that those BOYS aren't always going to understand you, and you might need someone to talk to. I know you've got Hana and Uo, but they don't know about the Jyunnishi, so… I want you to know that you can come to me to talk about anything. All you have to do is call me. From the way that Yuki jumps away from you every time he feels like he's getting too close to the way Shigure flirts with you and expects that you don't understand what he's getting at – even though you do and don't want to admit it."

She's flailing her arms and sputtering at me. I grab her arms, hold them down. Gotta maintain eye contact if I want to calm her down. "Tohru-chan. Don't worry. No one else knows that Shigure confuses you and… well Yuki and Kyou do, too. I only know because… well, I think we all care about you so much, but I'm the only woman around here besides you, so I can see things those three idiot men can't!

"And… Tohru, you're the only girlfriend I have. You're wonderful in so many ways."

"Kagura-san." She smiles so sweetly. It's no wonder they all are a little bit in love with her. I guess I am too – in a strictly platonic way! "You're so amazing. I'm so happy to be friends with you." She hugs me tightly.

"Tohru-chan, there's one more thing: I don't want Kyou ever to come in between us being friends. I want you to know that I want what's best for all of us. So… if you start having feelings for him, please tell me. Not that I'm going to stop loving him! But… I don't want you to feel bad for loving him, too – if you do. I mean… He's just so lovable, isn't he?"

"Sigh. Kagura, I think all you Sohmas are some of the most lovable people I have ever met."

I tossle her hair as I stand up. "That's just because you think EVERYONE is lovable. That's why you're the sweetest girl ever.

"Well, I'm going downstairs. I need to talk to Shigure about something."

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"Come in, Tohru-chan."

"Actually, Shigure, it's me."

"Kagura! What a pleasant surprise! Have you seen Kyou? He's on the roof, I think. But if you could wait, I could call him down to the yard so that my house won't get smashed apart again."

"Shigure, I'll be talking to Kyou after lunch. And I think you' have more to worry about from Yuki and Kyou than you have from me.

"I came here to talk to Tohru, to talk to you, to talk to Yuki, and then I'll have a chat with Kyou. It's now your turn." I give him my most evil glare, and smile when I see him blanch and gulp.

"Of course, Kagura. How may I be of service?"

"I need to set you straight on a few things. Tohru is the most lovely girl in the whole world. I can tell you've got something planned for her – although I don't know what it is. I just want to let you know that if you don't treat her like the princess she truly is, then I will come here and I will tear down your house – with you in it!

"But! I know that although you don't like to admit it, there's a good heart in there, so you're not going to make me need to do that, are you?

"And lastly…" I fling my arms around him and hug him. "Thank you for understanding me better than anyone else. I may not be able to make Kyou remember, but I'm going to do everything I can so he will learn all over again that I love him more than anyone. He may never be like we were when we were kids, but that's okay because I love him even more now than I did then.

"So keep believing in me?" He pulls out of my hug, smiles up at me and wipes away my tear.

"Hai." Then he kisses my forehead. See! He really does have a good heart. I kiss him on the cheek and then leave to help Tohru with lunch.

He looked so shocked when I mentioned not being able to make Kyou remember – I wonder… that dream…

Lunch was hysterical. I waited in the kitchen until Kyo was seated.

"Hey! There's an extra place. Who's coming over?"

I walked in, and Kyo looked like he was going to jump out of his own skin.

I sat down quietly and said, "Hello, Kyo. Hello, Yuki. Thanks for having me over for lunch, today." Then Tohru and I started chatting about random things. Kyou and Yuki looked like their jaws were going to fall off. Shigure looked like he was going to bust a gut laughing.

After lunch, I asked Kyou if he would mind if I joined him on the roof for just a few moments.

He was so stunned, he just agreed readily. I thanked him and said that I needed to visit the little girl's room first, but that I'd be up there momentarily. He looked like he was about to bolt, but Tohru pulled him aside and told him that I really was just there to talk to him. When he said – it's amazing how he thinks we can't hear him when he's yelling – that he was not going to stick around just to get pummeled, Yuki said, "Really? Then why do you always insist on challenging me? I thought you must like getting beaten." As Kyou was about to lose it, Tohru pulled him aside and said, "No really, Kyou. She just wants to talk." And then she started getting that look of disappointment that she never realizes she gets when people start to behave poorly – the one that says, "I thought you were better than that. I do so hope that I'm right!" And he just melted, sighed, and said, "I'll be on the roof."

After I finished in the little girl's room – I touched up my make up, made sure my breath was fresh, etc. – I knocked lightly on Yuki's door.

"Kagura, please come in."

"Yuki. I only have a minute. But I just wanted to share something with you quickly." I smile at him encouragingly. "Don't be scared anymore. You have to trust someone or you'll always be alone like you were when you were little. You're not alone anymore, so stop being afraid of yourself. Trust your instincts. And put some faith in your dreams. Okay?" I kiss his cheek and go out to face Kyou.

As I climb to the roof, my heart is hammering in my chest. But then, when I see him, I become very calm. I AM in control.

I just sit next to him quietly and stare up at the clouds floating by.

After a few minutes, he interrupts, "Well, didn't you say you wanted to talk? So talk already!"

I smile at him. "Kyou-kun." I sigh and start again. "I'm going to talk for a bit, and if I don't get it all out, then I might not be able to, and then I might lose my temper. So please try to let me finish. Okay?" He nods. I close my eyes because I know if I actually look at him, I won't be able to get started.

"I've been saying that I love you for so long now. But more and more, it feels like you don't really believe me. And I've always felt like you didn't believe me because you just thought you weren't worthy of being loved. But now, Tohru's come into our lives. And when a wonderful girl like that tells you that she likes you – well, you just have to believe that you really are something special.

"And I've been thinking that maybe, because I've been trying so hard, that even though you now are starting to know that you ARE wonderful, maybe you still don't believe ME!

"Our family has been so terrible to you – with the exception of Kazuma-sensei. But… I've always… wanted to show you that they're all idiots! I mean, you're not just the cat. You're KYOU! You're funny, and strong, and you have the ability to truly say what you feel – and I can tell you that no one else in our family does that – including me. Although I've always tried to be like you in that regard – at least with you – it just never comes out right.

"But I'm going to try harder to be like you. I want to be able to tell you what I really feel and not hide in my fear any more.

"I know you may never feel about me the way you used… I mean, the way I feel about YOU. But, no matter what happens – no matter who you end up deciding you love –" I open my eyes and look right into his. "I will always be here for you. Rooting for you. Loving you.

"All I really want is for you to be truly happy."

He stares at me and doesn't say anything. I feel a tear run down my cheek and I smile at him, letting my heart go free, like a bird.

I lean over and kiss his cheek. He doesn't pull away.

"Do you mind if I call you later in the week to see if you're free to maybe talk or practice or something?"

When he shakes his head, and mutter, "Uh. Sure?" I laugh.

"Well, I gotta go now. Bye bye, Kyo."

That really was nice. I'm glad I had to get home, though. I don't want to rush it - this is fun, but I'm it's really new.

I really do love him - just like I've always said. And I think he really may believe me someday.

The sky is so clear and beautiful today!


End file.
